Wrap It Up and Ship It

I've never been that big on the New Year thing; resolutions, debauchery, or any of that. I get pretty tired of the various "best of" lists that every media source has to throw out, and this year has been additionally overrun with "best of decade" lists. But I'd be lying if I denied feeling particularly reflective this year. Not just of the year winding down, but on what little changes I can make moving forward to get where I want to be over the next twelve months, five years, decade, etc. When I make my own evaluations of the preceding ten, all too often it seems I was just being buffeted about and reacting to circumstances, rather than placing targets and then shooting to hit them. It's not that I've never done this kind of reflection, I just haven't been one to write any of it down. This year I've decided to face the future differently. I've noticed that one of the ways that Julia seems to be so productive is that she is always making to do lists; not just for household chores, but little short term goals of getting "project x" complete by "date y." I think I could use a little of that.

Flip of the Switch

When I look back at 2009, it seems like it will be the year I really got some focus on the kind of writing I want to do. I've wanted to be a writer forever, but never made it a priority. In the last couple years I gave lip service to it as a priority, and did a hell of a lot more of it than I have in about 15 years or so (I'd written a couple novels back in my 20s). But, frankly, as long as I was still playing in Lazerwolfs it seemed I was keeping a lot of time and identity tied up in that part of my life. Maintaining contacts, booking shows, planning trips, etc. -- hell, it was one fairly reliable constant for ten years running! For the last two years most of that was a profound waste of time, I just wasn't admitting it to myself. When we finally pulled the plug -- or, more accurately, when our drummer up and vanished -- I took a couple months off thinking I was done with music. While that feeling didn't last, it did make me see myself as a "writer who rocks" as opposed to a "rocker who writes." That is an important distinction to make, and I didn't realize it until just a couple months ago.

That sabbatical from the devil's music coincided with taking three different writing workshops. Those workshops made a profound impact. Besides the technical aspects of writing, they also awakened my interest in reading fiction again. Over the past several years, I had been reading nonfiction probably four or five to one over fiction. Since June, I started gobbling up fiction again, and really going back to the roots of the stuff I grew up on and loved so much. The workshops didn't help me feel like any part of a local "community" like I'd hoped they would (which is odd, if you think of it, because you can't throw a rock in this town without hitting a writer), but they did get me looking into communities outside of Missoula comprised of people who were interested in a lot of the same types of writing and stories that I am. And there are a lot of them, and many of those folks are just as eager to share their passions for the stories that I am. That's pretty cool.

As of this moment, I have three novels in process, two of which are within sight of having their first drafts completed. That's in a little less than six months of work. I'm pretty stoked about that. I also managed to have a cover article in the local weekly (on top of quite a bit more freelance work for them), and had one article in a national magazine. This may not sound like much, but I feel like it's a foundation to build on, and it is certainly a lot more measurable success than anything I've accomplished in 20+ years of playing music. Most of all it's been a lot of fun, I've learned a ton, and I've encountered some very cool folks along the way, through the writing, the interactions, and via this blog. So even though I can recite a litany of things I failed to accomplish in '09, I feel pretty good about the scattered victories.

Bring It On!

So tonight Julia and I did something we've never done before. We had both put together lists of failures and successes from the year past, as well as lists of things we wanted to accomplish in the coming year. Reflecting and planning. We are both kind of undergoing personal reinventions, and it's a laborious process. The plans really aren't anything all that drastic, just more building on projects that are underway, improvements, things like that. It seems like a lot, but it is all entirely doable, and it sure doesn't hurt to have a partner to lean on. It is exciting, and discussing them all is invigorating. So much of this stuff we've talked about for so long, it's cool to see it starting to show signs of paying off.

We made a combined list, and plan to get a big calendar to hang in an obvious spot in the hallway where we can mark the due dates to hold ourselves, and each other, accountable to. It seems like a good way to get a lot of done, since we both can be so easily distracted. I think come this time next year, we'll have a lot to be happy about, and even more big plans for 2011. Hopefully everyone is feeling the same kind of enthusiasm for what's around the corner. Happy New Year!

Puny Resolves

-- to be as unrepentant and willful a pain in the ass in 2010 as she has been for every moment of her time on this mortal coil.

Up, Up in the Air

A couple weeks ago we rented the movie Up. I'd heard a lot about how great it was, that it was basically an adventure story, etc., so I figured what the hell. For the most part, ever since The Incredibles (which was awesome) I've avoided most of the animated movies that have come out over the last few years for a couple reasons. First off, I don't have a young kid anymore so I'm no longer "obligated" to do so, and secondly, as much as I enjoyed things like the two Toy Story movies, I've grown weary of that style of computerized animation. The only movies I can think of in recent memory that I've seen and really liked -- Wallace & Gromit and Fantastic Mr. Fox -- are totally outside that mode. My final assessment of Up is that it was an enjoyable enough flick, but not as fun as The Incredibles. Nor was it as clever as either Wallace & Gromit or Fantastic Mr. Fox. Enjoyed it, but didn't love it.

The first act of the movie, though, hit me as hard as anything I've seen. In the beginning we meet this shy young fella who idolizes a dashing, brave explorer/adventure hero. He meets a young girl, far more the daredevil than he is, with the same interest. They grow up together, and marry, and he promises that one day they will take an adventure to the wilds of Paradise Falls. We see a montage of their life together, growing old, until finally she dies. He realizes, sadly, that they never took the adventure, and now it's too late.

Wow. That theme really kicked me in the gut. I look at my own life, and I'm sure most people do this, and think of all the things I've set aside for other responsibilities, and the excuses I've hidden behind for not doing other things. Then it's too late. It could be adventure. It could be time spent with loved ones. Whatever the reason, waiting for the "perfect" time or a particular financial circumstance, or ANYTHING really, is a poor excuse for not pursuing the things that are really in our deepest of hearts. And that is a damn tragedy.

I felt the movie lost that theme a little as it progressed, and I suppose for the best, at least for a kid's show. When the plot involving the little kid and the actual adventure and the talking dogs and all the "cute" things to appeal to younger audiences kicked in it lost me a little bit -- I was still affected by that opening ten or fifteen minutes. Julia and I even shared a look; just looking back even at 2009 and the things we wanted to do but didn't was enough to really make me want to take stock of how I'm spending my time, and money, and how it relates to doing the things I want to do with my life.

On a similar note, last night we saw the latest George Clooney vehicle, Up in the Air. This film may ultimately be my favorite of the year, for a number of reasons; it's in the top two or three, for sure. Right out of the gate, the opening montage of credits -- various shots from the air of different airports and landscapes all over the USA -- was probably the coolest one I've seen since Watchmen (still the best ever, in my opinion). As a guy who travels a lot, Clooney's character was a man I could relate to at a certain level. I don't log the miles he does, but I still probably pull in anywhere from 60K to 120K air miles/year, for the past four years running or so. Of all the different cities and airports they showed him flying into -- Des Moines, Wichita, Las Vegas, Chicago, Tulsa, etc. -- the only one, oddly enough, that I haven't been in and out of myself was Miami. So all the travel-related stuff, the tricks for getting around quick, the rental car stuff, etc. was kind of fun to see as a snapshot of my life.

There were big differences too -- besides the obvious one being that I am waaaay better looking than George Clooney. Travel isn't my life, it's part of it. I'm not anal at all about keeping track of miles, reward stuff, all of that. I couldn't care less, which is probably a silly attitude to have. To me the act of traveling is just a means to an end, not my life. I like to travel, but I often find myself at odds with what is causing me to travel so much -- the work I do. I have a horrible wanderlustian itch that this job allows me to scratch and still have a stable home and creative life; I just wish the travel was geared toward more fun. I can't tell you how many times I've been in an airport and heard a flight announced that I so much wanted to be getting on instead of the one I was scheduled to. Or been on a highway somewhere on a beautiful day, and just wanted to keep on going when my exit came up. But that isn't Clooney's character in this movie at all.

This is a theme of the movie, and also an element that ties the film to the animated movie I started with, Up. Besides its musings on relationships, Up in the Air is a story about how we spend our lives. What we hold important. Where we put our energy. What we put in, as Clooney says, "our backpack." Clooney's character flies around the country to go into companies to fire employees on behalf of their (chickenshit) employers. The scenes of people crumbling as they are let go -- the hopelessness and despair -- are heartbreaking, especially in light of recent events in my own community. It is a reminder of how much we wrap our identity around our jobs, and when that job is taken from us, we are bereft.



People do not like their jobs fucked with. They don't like to be told how they should do something they've been doing for a long time, they don't like routines changed, and they don't have a lot of respect for management types coming in and outlining a new process. I've been in scores of companies over the years, and the distrust and disrespect between management and the work force is, far more often than not, astounding. And often I'm the guy who is seen as the instrument of change, and I'm probably not looked on too favorably. Which is why I do everything I can to not look like one of those management types, believe me. So I could relate to the whole notion of what was going on in this movie, especially after having survived the aftermath of one employer tanking, and going in and out of many places either in the midst of downsizing or preparing to -- doing more with less, as it's called. It's not a fun place to visit.

When it comes to our jobs, we stand to lose so much, and we have ceded so much power to others -- The fuckin' Man -- to royally screw us for a laundry list of lame reasons. Almost all of us are in that boat, and really it's our own fault because we buy into ideas that our culture wants us to. Too many of us allow ourselves to become the old man in Up, simply because we settle in, mortgage ourselves to an income, set things aside for later, and ultimately risk having our worlds turned upside down with so much left undone. There is a scene in the movie between Clooney's character and actor J.K. Simmons that really sums the whole shebang up. Another one he is with a man about to get married, who can only see a future of giving in. It can be quite disheartening, and often feels totally overwhelming.

We all know people, or are those people ourselves, who somehow screw the pooch and make bad decisions to mess our lives up, financially or otherwise, based on our own greed or narcissism. Given the past year of top-level meltdown, it should be clear to even the thickest that that trait runs all the way to the top of the financial and (supposed) intellectual food chain. The problem is that our entire system is set up to take care of those fuckers, while we pay the price, even for mistakes we didn't make. The real mistake is in putting ourselves in position to be so royally hosed. Putting ourselves in position to tie ourselves to choices and things that we are expected to, rather than those we choose for ourselves that are not part of the dictated plan.

I don't want to talk about the movie too much; this isn't a review, and I didn't want to turn it into a rant either (though it appears it's too late on that account). It's more just a musing about my own circumstances, and those of people I know who have similar ideas, and what we are going to do about them. A wake-up call, I guess, to at least think about it. It kind of started with getting the car stolen, and how thankful I am that it isn't some $25K ride that I'm still making big payments on, especially considering that lately I've been thinking about getting in the middle of just one of those situations.

If you feel like you need a reminder, or wake-up call, of your own, I think you could do worse than going to see this movie. It beats the hell out of getting your car stolen.

Christmas Weekend Winding Down

It was great to have a four day weekend. The best part is that I only have to work three days, then get another four day weekend. I think Christmas and New Years should always fall on Fridays. Someone needs to make that so.

I'm particularly glad there is another long weekend dead ahead because I spent all of this one under the weather. I hate to whine about sickness (probably because 1/3 of all twitter posts are people whining about being sick)(with another 1/3 being people whining about being tired and/or needing coffee) but this time around I feel ripped off. Someone is going to pay. Even Sid delivered a gentle pat on my shoulder the other day while I was in the throes of a tremendous coughing fit. That never happens. Usually it's something along the lines of, "Aw, is the little guy feeling a little sick today?" delivered in a mock concerned voice. He did say that to me today, so I know that he hasn't been replaced by a doppleganger.

Speaking of Sid, here is a picture I took of the little fella with the new camera my folks gave me for Christmas:

Don't ask me what that thing is on his chin, because I don't know either. He says it's a beard. It looks more like cotton candy to me. I figure as soon as he's man enough to beat his old man arm wrestling maybe his facial hair will start coming in for real. He's got a long, uphill battle, I'm afraid.

I love the camera I've been using -- a Panasonic DMC-FZ7 -- which Julia's father gave us. The only problem with it is it's a little bulky for some of the guerrilla trips I take traveling. I wanted to augment the quiver with a smaller one that would fit easily in a pocket or something, and this new one -- an Olympus FE-20 -- looks like it will do the job. It is certainly dainty enough. I drove around town today and snapped a few shots, though I still need to figure out how to use the damn thing.

Can I just say right here that Quality Supply is the best store in town (that's where the previous pic was taken)? I just wander around that place looking at all the farm and ranch stuff and daydream about the day I will actually need to go there to procure stuff. That's right, I said procure. One gets groceries. One procures anything cool.

It's weird driving around town knowing some asshole has our car, or, more likely, has abandoned it somewhere. Tomorrow I am going to call around to all the towing places to see if it's been hauled off anywhere. Every silver car I pass I look to see if it's ours. Let me just say there are a lot of silver cars in this town.

We had some glorious feasting over the weekend, of which I have no pictures. We had a Christmas Eve nacho feast at our house, then Christmas morning we went out to my sister's new place up Six Mile for brunch. Man, they put out the best spread around, let me tell you. It was delicious. The only part that sucked is that with my head feeling like it's full of concrete and my chest full of molasses (but coughs up a sludge that tastes nothing like molasses, let me assure you), tasting anything was about impossible. There are two packages of peanut butter cookie mixes that Julia gave me because I LOVE THEM that I haven't even bothered to make and eat yet, because I don't want to waste them on compromised taste buds. When this latest malady has passed, though, I am going to bake them up and eat the hell out of them.

Here's a picture of the pet no one sees, in the position she usually occupies: sleeping on the bed. She dwells downstairs because she's a chickenshit when it comes to the dogs. The only time she isn't sleeping is when she's being annoying. As good as she is at taking up space while unconscious, she positively excels at being annoying.

I have a couple planned posts this coming week, and also plan to make a documented plan for the coming year. Hope everyone had a good weekend with friends and family. I'll leave you with as heartwarming a shot as I can manage this cold, December day. It warms my heart, anyway. The dogs, on the opposite side of the (filthy, because of them) sliding glass door.

Yes, I let them in shortly after taking this picture, even though they didn't deserve it.

I'm Living A Piece of Crime NONFiction Today

Woke up with a cold medicine hangover today, not so addled though that I forgot to curse the alarm. Skipped the gym and was happy not to have to take The Boy to school. Went upstairs, got started on what should have been an easy work day. Julia was up and moving a little earlier than usual, as she had an AM doctor's appointment scheduled. She heads out to leave, and comes back in.

"Where did you put the car?" she says, puzzled.

"You drove it last."

"What about when you took Sid to school this morning?"

"He doesn't have school today."

"Chris, the car's not out there."

See that dark space not covered with snow? That's where the car was supposed to be. Some fucker stole it some time after the snow stopped falling last night. Tracks clearly showed it backing up, then heading down the street. They paused long enough to spin a few donuts at the four-way intersection just down the block.

We're guessing they got ahold of a set of keys. About a week ago both sets were accounted for. About midweek we only had one, but that's not unusual -- sometimes they turn up in pockets, purses, whatever. Julia's pretty sure the keys she's been using are the ones still in her purse. So it's possible the other set was out there and we didn't realize it, or they were left in it some time over the past week and the fucker grabbed them then with a plan to come back some other time. Once not all that long ago I went outside in the morning and the passenger door was open, so we know there are people with bad intentions occasionally about. We've tried to be better about keeping the keys inside, nothing valuable out there, etc. Obviously somewhere we fell down.

So we pile in the truck so I can take Julia to her doctor appointment at the Blue Mountain Clinic -- just her yearly, routine check up. No big deal. But there is a little knot of anti-abortion protestors hanging out at the gate, and women volunteers in the parking lot to escort women into the clinic.

I was kind of dumbfounded. Friends of mine have told stories about these protestors, but it's never been anything I've encountered. I dropped Julia off, then as I was pulling out they were yelling at me. I rolled my window down.

"Why is she coming here on killing day?" this old bat hollers.

"Killing day? What do you mean?" I say.

"They kill babies in there!"

I just felt this surge of rage stir. Maybe it was being sick, the thing with the car, I don't know. "This country kills thousands and thousands of people every day!" I holler.

"I should hope not, I should hope not!" The old bat answers. The two old guys flanking her were babbling something too, but I was so pissed all of a sudden I knew I just needed to leave. So I hauled ass. I was pissed all the way home -- I'm talking knees-shakingly pissed. These people are representatives of the crowd that put that asshole in office who started two wars that see the murder of thousands of innocents a year, and have made refugees of millions. And there aren't any signs of it stopping under the new asshole. No, I'm not a big fan of abortion, but I am a huge fan of a woman's right to have one should she choose to, or should medical circumstances require it as being in her best interest.

I haven't been that mad in a long time. I'm really glad I didn't linger.

So I call the cops on my way home, and ultimately an officer arrives to have me fill out a report.

While I'm inside filling it out, he's outside doing the investigator thing.

When he comes back, he says he could track the treads all the way down the street. Apparently the asshole was pulling into every driveway down the street, then getting out and checking all the other parked cars. He got good pictures of their shoe prints in the snow, he said.

And pretty much that's that. In a couple days I'll call all the towing places to see if it's been picked up and impounded anywhere. Technically there's supposed to be communication between the police and those places, but you and I both know how that is going to go down.

So I go back to the clinic to pick Julia up. The asshole protestors are still there.

I didn't speak to them at all this time. I suppose I should take the high road and say I'm glad they have the right to do this, but it's still pretty lame. When you consider the terrorist activities of those of their ilk who blow up clinics or assassinate doctors, though, one could say they too are on the edge of that slide into terrorism themselves, if not closer. You wouldn't get any argument from me if you said that.

Passing their car (I know it was theirs because there was an anti-baby killing sign leaning against the windshield) I had to chuckle at the Ron Paul sticker. I still have earnest people trying to tell me he is "the guy" I should be pulling for. Fuck Ron Paul and his "revolution."

So it's been a weird day. Like Julia said, if we knew someone took the car because they needed it to get to work, or really needed a car, or something like that, it would be one thing. But knowing it was probably just some deadbeat meth-head or someone using it as a means to transport other stolen shit to wherever those people take that stuff, sucks. It sucks too because it was originally my mom's first brand new car, and when she got a new one she signed it over to us to "keep it in the family." It was kind of a beater and had some problems, but there is some sentimental value there. I hope it turns up.

What a weird freakin' day.

On a positive note, this long-awaited, much-anticipated comic comes out today. Note the title. Coincidence? Hmmmm. . . .

This One is for the Ladies!

One of the movie sites I look at on occasion is called Rama's Screen. Honestly I don't even know how I found out about the site, but they often have updates about movies coming down the road that I might be interested in. Plus they are kind of a DIY fan type site, and I dig that kind of initiative. Anyway, yesterday they posted an article called 15 Hottest Female Characters Of 2009, which I looked at with only mild interest. I'm usually not a big fan of "best of" lists, and I'm particularly tired of all the "best of decade" lists being thrown around. That, and most of these "hot" women don't do a lot for me, and I haven't seen most of the movies mentioned (in fact, I only saw 3 of them). One part in his lead paragraph caught my eye, though:

Now, I’m a straight guy who admires a woman’s beauty… so to all Rama’s SCREEN female readers out there, please understand that it would be awkward for me to start a list of hottest male characters of 2009. But if you wanna compile a list of your own, of which movie male characters you think were the hunkiest this past year, by all means, please share it in the comment section, your opinions are welcomed here. I’m sure some of you are itching to mention Jacob and Edward.

Now, I'm a straight guy who admires the ladies as well . . . but I'm not afraid to throw the occasional dude nod to another guy who's definitely got it going on too, you know? Doesn't mean I want to top the guy or anything, for crissakes, just like appreciating an attractive woman doesn't mean I'm going to go all Tiger Woods either. I'm just sayin', you know? Not only that, but the idea that there are women out there who would think of putting those goddamn nancy boys from Twilight on any kind of a manly list is just something I can't abide.

This must be avoided at all costs!

So, for your holiday reading pleasure, I give you:

Chris La Tray's Top 13 Studly Male Characters from 2009

I didn't see enough movies that had leading male characters who I didn't feel should be hip-checked out of the way for a studlier man to replace, so there are a few guys here from books and comics as well. Here we go!

#13 -- Bruce Willis as Tom Greer in Surrogates

Okay, so I didn't see this movie, but I will probably rent it. I haven't even read the graphic novel it's based on. But a brother's got to give it up for Bruce. He makes (mostly) good movies, and he's one of those actors that will make me check something out that I might otherwise stay away from. He rocks the bald dome as well as anyone, and he has that jaw that looks like it should be sticking out from under some rubberized mask on a kickass supersuit. Guys could do a lot worse than age as well as the mighty Bruce has -- the dude is 54! His ex-wife had to go for a guy young enough to be her damn son to find one who could, presumably, match Mr. Willis's manly prowess. Plus that's an awesome leather jacket he's wearing in that scene.

#12 Jeffrey Dean Morgan as Edward Blake/The Comedian in Watchmen

Morgan's position here is for you ladies who like your men nasty. And as The Comedian, he is as bad as they come. He's basically a sociopath, but there is a tragic love story concerning his relationship with the original Silk Spectre that runs through the novel/movie that can't be discounted, and will likely make you go "ahhhh." Even though it started out as a rape, but hey, I said he's not a nice guy. From a manly point of view, Edward Blake is a call-it-like-he-sees-it, take-no-bullshit kind of guy. His knock down, drag out fisticuffs with a disguised Adrian Veidt in the beginning shows he's more than capable to hold his own, even when hopelessly overmatched. So he ends up splattered on the sidewalk . . . he'd be the first to admit he had it coming. But ladies, you know you'd be up to making a good man out of the kind of guy who has these rough-hewn good looks, now don't you? To the tamer go the spoils!

#11 Sam Worthington as Marcus Wright in Terminator Salvation

Worthington earns a spot because he was also the main guy in Avatar, a movie which crushes this Terminator Salvation flick, but I don't think you ladies would love him as much in that film because he's at his best when he's a ten foot blue alien. And since this countdown is mostly about rugged good looks, his role as a new-fangled Terminator gets the nod. He thinks he's human, is the thing, and even when he realizes he's not he still does the right thing and kicks copious ass on behalf of mankind. Along the way he does other manly things like get a beat up old jeep functional, befriends/mentors the young Kyle Reese (who we all know goes on to legendary badassery in the first Terminator movie by kicking robot ass and giving Sarah Connor (Linda Hamilton) some full-on lovin' that ultimately results in John Connor, the leader of humans that Worthington fights alongside of in this movie. Confused yet?). Not only that, but as you can see in this picture, he totally owns the leather pants too. And gets to snuggle with Moon Bloodgood. That's some manly awesome, right there.

#10 Chris Hemsworth as George Kirk in Star Trek

I know common wisdom would be to pick one of the Star Trek pretty boys in the roles of James T. Kirk or Spock (Chris Pine and Zach Quinto, respectively), but fuck those guys. Chris Hemsworth is the man in this film, even though he's barely in it. Dig this. He takes over command of a doomed starship and single-handedly holds off the rogue Romulans long enough for about a million people to escape -- including his beautiful wife, who gives birth to little J. Tiberius just before George rams his ship into the enemy. What a heroic way to go out! It doesn't get any better.

More importantly, ladies, this guy is slated to play Thor in next summer's superhero blockbuster. That's right, THOR! As in, the GOD of fucking THUNDER! You'll want to get in on the ground floor with this guy, ladies, so that when all your girlfriends start swooning over him next year you can be all disinterested and say, "Oh, him? I've been hip to him and his enormous, godly hammer for years now!"

#9 Patrick Wilson as Dan Dreiberg/Nite Owl II in Watchmen

Right now you're wondering "How does this friggin' guy have the audacity to pick two fellas from that Watchmen movie, which sucks!" First off, you're wrong. Watchmen was freaking awesome. Sure, the graphic novel was better, but, duh! As a separate medium, this movie was as good a representation as you could have hoped for. And as for this pick, I know what else you're thinking: Dan Dreiberg was a nerd. Yeah, maybe. So what? The guy was probably the only genuinely good guy in the whole story. He wanted to do what was right. He was sensitive and empathetic to the women. He wasn't in bad shape at all, and once they decided to start kicking ass again he more than held his own. Plus, ladies, he's rich. Not Ozymandias rich, but loaded enough to have his own secret little Owl Cave full of gadgets and stuff. He may not have the strongest superhero chin in the business, but you have to admit there are worse specimens to have out front pushing the lawnmower around all summer, right?

And from the manly side of things, the dude is a friggin' inventor of awesome shit. He kicks a lot of ass in fight scenes (mainly in the movie, but that is the version of the character we're discussing here). And finally, he totally scores with Silk Spectre II (Malin Akerman) on board his little flying Owl Ship, which he friggin' built, while she's wearing nothing but her latex boots, all while hovering over the city. As they say, Halleluya!

Oh, and ladies? Don't kvetch. I seriously considered adding Jackie Earle Haley as Rorshach to this list, because I know some of you like your men, I don't know . . . pint-sized.

#8 James "Bucky" Barnes as "New" Captain America in Captain America

We all have our fantasies, and I know you ladies have probably gotten all tizzified over characters that were even a little less real than a movie character, so here's a comic book fella you can really close your eyes and let your fingers do the walking to, even if he did go by a nickname like "Bucky" when he was younger.

As a young man in World War II, he was sidekick to Steve Rogers, aka Captain America. He always seemed like kind of a twee little Robin knockoff, but Ed Brubaker, the current writer on the series, turned him into a total Nazi-slaying badass. Presumably he was killed in the same event that plunged Rogers into the North Sea, where he was frozen in ice until thawed out in modern times. Well, as it turned out Bucky survived in ice as well, only he was found by the Russians and turned into a brainwashed assassin. Story evolves, Brubaker kills Steve Rogers, and Bucky picks up the shield as his replacement.

What makes him a candidate here is that he has earned my respect as Cap, and I was pissed when it first happened. So if the guy can win me over, ladies, he can damn sure do the job for you too. He's not all blue-eyed and blonde like Rogers either -- he will definitely strum that chord in you women who like the roguish badboys too. He's the kind of guy that will fight to the death for what he believes is right, even if that puts him on opposite side of the letter of the law. Who doesn't love that? I'd say his strongest attribute -- besides an ability to absolutely kick ass -- is his loyalty to the people he loves. Loyalty to Steve Rogers. And loyalty to Natalia Romanova, aka The Black Widow, a former Russian agent he fell in love with while enslaved by the stinkin' Russians, and with whom he continues to maintain a relationship in his current role as an Avenger. There is hope, though, ladies -- I don't think that romance is necessarily going to end well.

#7 Woody Harrelson as Tallahassee in Zombieland

Woody has managed to carve out a nice career for himself, both as an actor and as a spokesman for roasting fatties. I can't think of any role I've seen him in that I didn't enjoy, and his range seems to be broader than one might expect. For his role in Zombieland, Woody rocks the boots, jeans and leather jacket as well as anyone. Let's face it -- that's a classic uniform for kicking ass in, isn't it? Strap on a machete and plant a 12-gauge in the brother's hands and he's good to go. If you're looking for love, ladies, this guy Tallahassee would probably be fun for a while, and a good hand to have on hand when the Zombie Apocalypse hits, but you'd expect to probably want to trade up soon as you hit real civilization. He's damaged goods, and he's not going to be happy unless he's killing the walking dead. That doesn't mean you can't get your thrills off him in the back of one of those big, abandoned SUVs, though. Just post a lookout if you do.

#6 Gabriel Hunt in The Adventures of Gabriel Hunt

This is another fictional character that leaps out of the pages of the pulpy awesomeness that is The Adventures of Gabriel Hunt series of books. Gabriel and his brother are The Hunt Foundation, an organization that finds and investigates cool shit for museums and things like that. The books are about as fun as fun can be when your ass is planted in a chair and someone else isn't planted on top of you. Gabriel is kind of a modern day Indiana Jones, always chasing around the world looking to find something/rescue someone/figure something out. There are always bad guys in hot pursuit, and there are always lusty women in his path.

Ladies, if you hook up with 'ole Gabriel you're in for an adventure. You can probably expect to squeeze some primo travel out of the deal too. He's kind of old fashioned, but if you step up and hold your own he's not opposed to letting you squeeze a few rounds out of his trusty Colt if the situation warrants it. Plus he's got access to millions of dollars, and that never hurts if you're after a sweaty weekend somewhere exotic. You might get shot at once in a while, or maybe even kidnapped and roughed up a little by villainous ne're do wells, but that's a small price to pay for an exotic good time.

And guys, if Hunt's life and its full-on manliness isn't apparent, then you need to go back to breaking down your stupid fantasy football roster for the week or something. You are BO-RING! If there's one guy on this list that I would actually like to be, it's this mofo. I even asked for a goddamn zippo lighter for Christmas because he carries one, and I don't even smoke!

#5 Parker in The Hunter by Richard Stark, as adapted by Darwyn Cooke

Darwyn Cooke's graphic novel adaptation of one of the greatest crime books ever is an immediate classic. I've probably recommended it to more people than just about anything else in the past year. It kicked open the door to a whole new world for me -- crime fiction -- even if the "protagonist" is basically a total asshole. Parker is so mean he doesn't even have a first name. He's a guy that you double-cross at your peril. Do so, and you're severely beaten, and probably dead -- at his bare hands, no less. He's not particularly nice, but if you hold up your end of the bargain he'll almost be friendly to you. Almost. A character born in the 60s, the dude is also essentially a mysoginist. So why the hell is he here?

Ladies, Parker is here for those of you who want to live somewhere warm and beautiful as a kept woman. Stark's books describe Parker as a guy with an insatiable sexual appetite immediately following one of his heists, and this continues as long as he's flush. As the money runs out and he starts planning the next score, though, the action will die down for you until the job is done, then it's back to the sheets for some high octane romping. Some of you will certainly be breathless by now at the possibilities of this. A guy that is content to keep you in cash by the pool so long as the good stuff is readily available? He's not a bad looking guy, pretty dangerous, but otherwise willing to just leave you the hell alone. You can know what to expect from him, so take what you need and enjoy yourself. Hell, you can probably even keep a pool boy or two on the side, he won't care. Just don't try and double-cross him, or that will be that. That's got to be a dream for many of you, which is why he's here -- because I am well tuned in to what all different kinds of women like, and I'm offering it to you here, for free.

#4 Brad Pitt as Lt. Aldo Raine in Inglorious Basterds

You didn't really think I was going to leave Brad Pitt off a movie hunks list in a year that he has a movie on the table now, did you? Please. Let me refresh your memories, ladies:

That's got to be a dream for many of you, which is why he's here -- because I am well tuned in to what all different kinds of women like, and I'm offering it to you here, for free.

For the women reading this, I don't need to elaborate beyond the words Brad Pitt. The dude could be playing Ted Bundy and the women would still be all "Omigod, it's Brad Pitt, omigod!" So the rest is for the guys bearing with me.

Dig the scar on his neck in this movie. How awesome is that? It gives every red-blooded heterosexual male the opportunity to actually gaze upon Pitt's rugged good looks and nod appreciatively, all while not feeling the least bit gay. Not only that, but Mr. Pitt kicks copious ass in this film. I don't recall him kicking this much tail since Troy. As a further bonus you don't have to watch him getting it on with some other starlet, so you aren't forced to cry into your sleeve wailing, "And the fucker gets Angie too!" C'mon. There are worse fake dudes than Lt. Aldo Raine to aspire to, believe me. Next time your wife/girlfriend/boyfriend asks if it's okay to call out Brad's name when you are in the unholy clinch, just imagine yourself as Lt. Raine. You'll get through it just fine, big fella.

#3 Vartox the Hyper-Man in Power Girl

Vartox has a problem. He rules the planet Valeron. In the opening pages of the awesome Power Girl #7 (written by Jimmy Palmiotti and Justin Gray, art and cover by Amanda Conner, colors by Paul Mounts, letters by John J. Hill), we see him fighting off a horde of monkey-looking pirate-like invaders. His opening line of dialogue is:

Let those who would threaten his people taste the raw destructive power of VARTOX THE HYPER-MAN!

That is about as manly a line of dialogue as I've read this year. I could hardly retype it, for crissakes. Anyway, Vartox successfully beats off the invasion, but they manage to fire a doomsday device over his city that makes all the people sterile! So he comes to Earth because he has decided that only Kara Zor-L, aka Power Girl, is sufficiently awesome to be his mate and provide a new genetic lineage for his people. He arrives in his floating head spaceship and proceeds to woo PG into getting busy.

Check this guy out. He is well-covered in body hair, which we've needed to make a comeback since the 70s. The dude halfway looks like a taller, young Ron Jeremy, aka The Hedgehog, so ladies -- you know he can throw it when it counts. Plus how often do you get to get it on with a dude with Superman level power without all the boy scout bullshit for baggage? Sure, Power Girl is about as hot a woman as you could possibly have to compete with, but you can't expect her to carry the full load when it comes to reinvigorating an entire civilization, can you? If I were a woman, I'd totally be on board. Vartox is a man's man, and you ladies may not admit it out loud, but you know you want him.

#2 Hugh Jackman as Logan aka Wolverine in X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Hugh frickin' Jackman. Or Hugh Jardon, as he's known in my house. Julia has been kind enough to allow me an embarassing man crush on this fucker all year. When that picture hit the internet way back when, everyone assumed it was photoshopped. It wasn't. The dude is freakin' ripped. His workout routine is insane. He can sing. He can dance. He's funny. He hasn't gotten busted in any stupid shit and he seems happily married to his hot wife for however friggin' long it's been. Yet he still gets to roll around in this movie with Lynn Collins. The guy is almost too perfect. It's bullshit. Bullshit, I say!

If they let him keep this leather jacket, I'll tell you what. . . .

#1 Michael Jai White as Black Dynamite in Black Dynamite

It's only the movie I've been dying to see that hasn't shown up anywhere near where I live. But still -- you know I'm right about this. Just look at this bad mofo. Underneath those slick threads is a man made of pure muscle. Don't believe me? Check him out in Blood and Bone, another movie in '09 that he kicked righteous ass in, where he spends half of it shirtless!

This dude is the real deal. Someone needs to make a Black Panther movie and put his ass in it.

Black Dynamite is simply what every man wants to be, and whom every woman wants to do the dirty two-backed beast with. Deny it all you want, the universe knows it's true. And the holiday season ain't no time to be jivin' with the universe.


So there you have it. Thirteen men to either be jealous of, aspire to, or lust after. Take your damn pick. If you think I missed anyone, then let me know. But keep those awful glow-in-the-daylight Twilight prissies away from me!

A Few Things That are Awesome

In light of recent rambling posts, I decided tonight I'd just draw your attention to some things that are just awesome for their own sake.

Clint Eastwood is Cooler Than You

I recently picked up the latest issue of GQ Magazine because of the cover featuring Clint Eastwood. The article is great, and Clint seems an okay guy. A big part of it was promo for his new movie, Invictus, which, to be honest, I'm not all that interested in seeing, at least not in the theater. I do love that at 79 he's still kicking ass creatively. What I didn't realize is that he was already well into his 30s when he got popular making the spaghetti Western movies, and was 41 when he did Dirty Harry. That's pretty awesome inspiration for those of us reinventing ourselves downslope of our 20s, let me tell you. Plus he still just looks cool. I mean check out these images. This first one is a recreation of Unforgiven with Morgan Freeman, from Empire Magazine's 20th Anniversary photo thing where they recreated a bunch of movies (which is a cool spread, and you can check them all out here):

And here is the GQ cover.

A couple things strike me about this. First, GQ is a really, really shitty magazine. Second, look at Clint here. If I tried to rock the denim-on-denim I'd look like a total freakin' dork. But Clint . . . Clint looks like he could still kick anyone's ass and leave with their date shortly thereafter. That's awesome.

Speaking of Magazines

I found this a couple weeks ago, CinemaRetro Magazine. How come I've never seen it before? And at what point did I become one of those people who only thinks things from the 60s and 70s are truly awesome? We've been watching a ton of old movies -- mostly noir and cop stuff -- and they are just a gas. I'm going to subscribe to this mofo.

I mean, that is Lee friggin' Marvin, for crissakes! I'm not 300 words into this blog and I've already invoked two of Hollywood's greatest tough guys, ever. Is your head exploding yet? I think I need to take a few deep breaths.

Retro Beauty

They don't make 'em like this much anymore, and it's a shame. This website, Golden Age Comic Book Stories, has blown me away more times than I can count. They post old pages from vintage funny books, but usually it is samples of art and photography. In this case, we have Hollywood Glamour Photography from the 1940s. You must check this out. Here's a taste, and make sure and click the images to see the larger sized versions of the photos. Simply stunning!

My Boogie Van

Another big thing in the 70s were the garishly painted vans. Maxim Magazine recently did a spread on 12 Superheroes Who Should Be On 70s Vans. I hate Maxim, but this is pretty awesome. Dig the Shang-Chi van (god, did I love Shang-Chi -- Master of Kung Fu back in the day!):

Or how about me driving around in the Silver Surfer van? Yeah, baby, I bet I could get some Power Cosmic going in the back of that friggin' thing!

Now that is what I'm talking about.

David Simon in Vice Magazine

I didn't realize how much of a magazine theme was going on here until I started posting. Damn. Anyway, we just watched the last episode of The Wire last week. What a fantastic series. David Simon, a former writer for the Baltimore Sun, is the primary guy behind this landmark television show, and this interview with Vice Magazine is something else. The guy touches on the show, politics, everything. Even if you've never watched the program you should read it. The guy is just a sharp man. I'm happier knowing there are people like this out in the world, especially after a few days of being convinced that everyone is an utter dumbass.

We are definitely in withdrawal knowing there aren't any more episodes to check out. We just watched the pilot episode of The Shield tonight. It may be okay, I don't know. It sure as hell ain't no Wire though, that's for damn sure.

Stick it to the Man

Here's an awesome article from AlterNet called 10 Ways to Screw Over the Corporate Jackals Who've Been Screwing You. The title alone makes you want to read it, doesn't it? Dig this:

A year of our collective life has flown by and our global culture is still rife with schemers, screw jobs and sorry excuses for solutions. And we just sit back and take it, year after year. But no more. When you make that hefty list of New Year's resolutions, drop some of these bombs. Then duck. You'll get your change faster than you can say, "Teabag this!"

Tell me you don't lay in bed in the morning, thinking of getting up out of your warm nest, and mutter to yourself, "Man, fuck those guys!" Yeah, you know you do. . . .

Just don't read the comments section. That will be my resolution this year: don't read comments sections on any internet articles (except these blogs, of course). You want to be reminded the world is full of assholes and friggin' morons? Just browse through a comments section or two!

Speaking of comments, feel free to drop a few here of things that you are digging lately that should be made known to the world of their awesomeness!